What it boils down to, is that I want my momma and pappy. I haven't been this scared in a while. I read over the past couple of entries in here, and realized how emo it all sounded. That's not what I'm trying to convey here. This change, this change that I'm going through now, it's definitely needed. I've known that this change was coming. But to see it here, it's nerve-wracking. Something in my life has been constant for the last three years. And now, it's run it's course. Some of you hope it's just for the time being, and maybe it is.... we'll see. But to make this change myself, to take my own fate in my hands... it's tough.

I know that my fate has always been under my control, that it's been in my hands. I guess I just never realized how much it depended on me. It sounds weird to say, but I don't feel like I've ever had this much control over it. And it scares me. Scares me that there won't be someone constantly there; but it'll make me stronger right? I'll be better for it, right? This all seems rather complicated. And I don't quite know how to word it.

After three years, I should feel something right? Even if it's a bad emotion like relief, or happiness, or sadness, anger, disappointment, something... anything. I don't. I don't and can't find myself feeling anything at all. What I do feel is like I'm broken. Like I've waited so long to feel something, and now nothing is coming out. So therefore, I guess all I feel is broken. I would give anything to feel something about this, rather than just feeling like... like... like this. You know I haven't even cried? That's so lame to be upset about, but maybe it's just the natural reaction I've been looking for.

But what if that's not here. It's been over two years since I've felt this able to put something down on words, and although locations have changed I feel as though I haven't. I feel as though I'm still facing the same challenges, and not getting anywhere when I move past them. I have a feeling as though I'm not destined for anything. As though I'm meant to live my life continually doing things that are going to get me to the same place, just a different location.

I really thought that I would be happy in SD. Now I'm not too sure. I want to get involved, and I'm trying to. I think I'm just so afraid of rejection that it's holding me back. I want to be happy here, maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.I think I could probably try harder. I'm pretty sure it's all coming down to Tuesday. I want to join this particular organization. They conduct interviews to see if you're right for it. The interview list is posted on Tuesday. I feel like this is my last chance to get involved in something I could really care about. I hate putting so much on one opportunity. Looks like Tuesday will be my day of days.

I can do nothing right.
Nothing. Ever.
I am most likely doomed for the rest of my life and I am just so frustrated that nothing seems to want to work out for me lately.

It was one test. The one that I thought I did well on, Apparently not. And all of a sudden I see all of my dreams crashing around me. Nothing seems to want to work. Ever.

I am so frustrated. To the point of tears. I am so over being just acceptable. Or even not so. This is so not me. This is not what I'm made for. Why is it that this one thing could not just work out for me, I was fine. But no. Once again, no matter how hard I try, I'm not good enough. Seriously.

Fuck this.

Are you there?
Do you swear you won't forget me?
If I found you, would you let me come and stay?

I feel as though I'm always searching. Looking, scouring the world for something more. Selfish little girl. Like all you've been given is not enough. It is enough,  but I find myself longing for something over the top. Where does it say you've gotta live and die here? The only thing stopping me is money. The life that I'm leaving behind... I've begun to feel as though I'm not meant for this life. Not like I'm looking for something more. Just something different.

And I'm free.
Like the wind; like I'm gonna live forever.
It's a feeling time can never take away.

These thoughts always come to me sometime during the night. As they say... for a dreamer, night's the only time of day. The city is finally sleeping. And I'm free to wander where my mind takes me. Perhaps it's places other than where I am. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I want to look. I don't know whats out there. They're all convinced that the problems are mine. There are no problems. What about lies? What about things that you swore to be true? I can't find the answers to them here.

I ran away from San Francisco.

Go and find.
And run away.
Run and find, something better.

It's not here. And I don't even know where to begin looking.

awkward.
confused.
upset.

and i have no idea why.

passing me by, not slowing down, and feeling like i'm missing it all. all because of me.

blocked. emotionally. physically. socially. mentally.

blocked. nothing more.