never look back, but never forget

i'm just too far from where you are

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 05:59:16 GMT

What it boils down to, is that I want my momma and pappy. I haven't been this scared in a while. I read over the past couple of entries in here, and realized how emo it all sounded. That's not what I'm trying to convey here. This change, this change that I'm going through now, it's definitely needed. I've known that this change was coming. But to see it here, it's nerve-wracking. Something in my life has been constant for the last three years. And now, it's run it's course. Some of you hope it's just for the time being, and maybe it is.... we'll see. But to make this change myself, to take my own fate in my hands... it's tough.

I know that my fate has always been under my control, that it's been in my hands. I guess I just never realized how much it depended on me. It sounds weird to say, but I don't feel like I've ever had this much control over it. And it scares me. Scares me that there won't be someone constantly there; but it'll make me stronger right? I'll be better for it, right? This all seems rather complicated. And I don't quite know how to word it.

After three years, I should feel something right? Even if it's a bad emotion like relief, or happiness, or sadness, anger, disappointment, something... anything. I don't. I don't and can't find myself feeling anything at all. What I do feel is like I'm broken. Like I've waited so long to feel something, and now nothing is coming out. So therefore, I guess all I feel is broken. I would give anything to feel something about this, rather than just feeling like... like... like this. You know I haven't even cried? That's so lame to be upset about, but maybe it's just the natural reaction I've been looking for.

mama said home is where the heart is

Sun, 26 Oct 2008 07:17:24 GMT

But what if that's not here. It's been over two years since I've felt this able to put something down on words, and although locations have changed I feel as though I haven't. I feel as though I'm still facing the same challenges, and not getting anywhere when I move past them. I have a feeling as though I'm not destined for anything. As though I'm meant to live my life continually doing things that are going to get me to the same place, just a different location.

I really thought that I would be happy in SD. Now I'm not too sure. I want to get involved, and I'm trying to. I think I'm just so afraid of rejection that it's holding me back. I want to be happy here, maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.I think I could probably try harder. I'm pretty sure it's all coming down to Tuesday. I want to join this particular organization. They conduct interviews to see if you're right for it. The interview list is posted on Tuesday. I feel like this is my last chance to get involved in something I could really care about. I hate putting so much on one opportunity. Looks like Tuesday will be my day of days.

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 03:19:19 GMT

I can do nothing right.
Nothing. Ever.
I am most likely doomed for the rest of my life and I am just so frustrated that nothing seems to want to work out for me lately.

It was one test. The one that I thought I did well on, Apparently not. And all of a sudden I see all of my dreams crashing around me. Nothing seems to want to work. Ever.

I am so frustrated. To the point of tears. I am so over being just acceptable. Or even not so. This is so not me. This is not what I'm made for. Why is it that this one thing could not just work out for me, I was fine. But no. Once again, no matter how hard I try, I'm not good enough. Seriously.

Fuck this.

Santa Fe

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 07:25:28 GMT

Are you there?
Do you swear you won't forget me?
If I found you, would you let me come and stay?

I feel as though I'm always searching. Looking, scouring the world for something more. Selfish little girl. Like all you've been given is not enough. It is enough, but I find myself longing for something over the top. Where does it say you've gotta live and die here? The only thing stopping me is money. The life that I'm leaving behind... I've begun to feel as though I'm not meant for this life. Not like I'm looking for something more. Just something different.

And I'm free.
Like the wind; like I'm gonna live forever.
It's a feeling time can never take away.

These thoughts always come to me sometime during the night. As they say... for a dreamer, night's the only time of day. The city is finally sleeping. And I'm free to wander where my mind takes me. Perhaps it's places other than where I am. I don't want to hurt anyone. But I want to look. I don't know whats out there. They're all convinced that the problems are mine. There are no problems. What about lies? What about things that you swore to be true? I can't find the answers to them here.

I ran away from San Francisco.

Go and find.
And run away.
Run and find, something better.

It's not here. And I don't even know where to begin looking.

Thu, 30 Aug 2007 00:46:41 GMT

awkward.
confused.
upset.

and i have no idea why.

passing me by, not slowing down, and feeling like i'm missing it all. all because of me.

blocked. emotionally. physically. socially. mentally.

blocked. nothing more.

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 00:19:01 GMT

I honestly think that sometimes the world looks better through my sunglasses. Is that so wrong?

when i get where i'm going

Tue, 22 May 2007 05:27:39 GMT

there'll be only happy tears.
i'll shed the sins and struggles i have carried all these years.

what is was

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 05:23:05 GMT

From the window in my room I can hear the fireworks from Disneyland. Every night, at exactly the same time, they start. And strangely enough I am comforted. It brings me back to those days.

The days where the "KKK" wasn't a bad thing. The days where nothing was more fun that running around the parking lot outside of the most beloved Mexican place in the OC. The days where we were going to be friends forever, and no number of miles would ever come between us. When I hear those fireworks go off at the same time every night, I am comforted. It's consistent. It reminds me of days when things were so simple.

I knew that they were going to change, and there's nothing wrong with that. Things change, people change, and it's alright. Thats the way life works and I'm not sad about that anymore. But those fireworks...

Something about them takes me back to that magical year of life. That year when there was so much drama I thought my head would explode. That year that changed me forever. That year when I learned more from my friends than any text book or professor could ever teach me. It wasn't the best year of my life, but it is the one I remember the most. And the one that puts this smile on my face, and those fireworks in my eyes.

seriously

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 04:24:16 GMT

sometimes people just embarrass me.
and it's kinda sad when they're my "friend" too.
yeah, i'm judgemental.
you knew this from the beginning.

hmmm

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 20:53:02 GMT

I really cannot see how anyone can think that Grease 2 is not a great movie.
The songs are hilarious.
Those guys are really kind of cute.
And I mean honestly, it's just all around rad.

an hour ago

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 01:56:45 GMT

An hour ago everything was perfect. I was driving to his house and he was going to make my entire day better. An hour ago I was in love. We were getting so much better and nothing was ever going to come in between us again. An hour ago i sat on his knee, he kissed me on the temple and asked me why my day was so horrible. I was loved. There was nothing in the world that could bring me down and nothing could ever hurt me again because I was in his arms.

But a lot can happen in an hour.

indeed

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 15:20:12 GMT

breakfast: $3.00
Gas to get to school: >$3.00
bottle of water: $1.00
getting to english on time to hear the "bitch lecture": priceless

there are some things money can't buy. for those moments, you want to go to FJC.

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 19:55:52 GMT

without the rain, you would never be able to appreciate the sun.

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 22:07:54 GMT

hold on, when you feel like letting go.
hold on, it gets better than you know.

sick to my stomach. with worry. with fear. with emotion. don't go back, katie. you can never go back. it's all changed now and you're not the same person. he doesn't see that it and he doesn't deserve the new you. going back would change you back and thats not the person you want to be. he has no right to you. to speak to you. to be with you. to even look at you. he never has. he doesn't deserve you.

just hold out.

to you::from me

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 03:20:45 GMT

"Lonlieness only wants you back here with me. Common sense knows that you're not good enough for me."

How many times have you done something, and promised that it would be the last time? Was it ever really? What is it about this one thing that seems to be so hard to let go of? Is it the comfort of the situation? The security? Or maybe its the fact that you've gone on so long with it, that you just can't remember what life was like without it. And its that fear that makes you hold onto it. When do we reach the point where our need for something more, something better out-weighs our fear?

I never thought that I would reach the day where I was hoping that this would be the last time I had to say goodbye. There were days where I hoped it wouldn't be, but this day I have just lost it all. I have lost my will to hope for anything from him. Perhaps he will grow and mature; but that day is not today. Nor do I see it being anytime soon. Where has my conviction gone? I cannot stay mad at him, or keep myself away. Yet I know that this time must be it. I must not do this anymore. I do not deserve this from him, or from anyone.

How long will this hold out?

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 04:36:16 GMT

"GABEY BABEY" (9:33:28 PM): night beautiful

kaydee go bOOm (9:33:34 PM): night hubby!

kaydee go bOOm (9:33:42 PM): =*

"GABEY BABEY" (9:33:46 PM): =*

"GABEY BABEY" (9:33:47 PM): hehe

"GABEY BABEY" (9:33:50 PM): we e-kissed

kaydee go bOOm (9:33:52 PM): hehehe

"GABEY BABEY" (9:33:58 PM): ciao

kaydee go bOOm (9:34:00 PM): you're the bestest

kaydee go bOOm (9:34:04 PM): adios

"GABEY BABEY" (9:34:09 PM): ;D

"GABEY BABEY" (9:34:13 PM): love you baby

best conversation ever!

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 06:17:29 GMT

if you're calling about my heart its still yours.
I should have listened to it a little more.

who knows? here goes...

Wed, 31 May 2006 18:59:12 GMT

I gave it up.
I'm tired of waiting around for something that's never going to come back.
It may hurt for a while, but that's a risk I'm willing to take.
I have the best brother in the world.
I love you Teeb.

It's kinda scary.
At least, for me it is.
I've gone for a year being defined as an 'us,' and now I'm me again.

But that doesn't make me any ~~less~~ of a person.
"This is the most defining moment in your life. Commit to it."

from the mind of Samantha

Tue, 23 May 2006 22:27:05 GMT

"You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'."

ahahaha, I love Sex and the City.

to you:for me

Tue, 23 May 2006 06:50:00 GMT

These tears are just enough to wet my eyes. And even though you couldn't see them running down my face, you would always know. We were both stubborn like that; we'd never let ourselves fully cry in front of the other. I lay in bed at night and cry. Just enough so my eyes get wet, so the tears fill to the brim of my eyelids and then they disappear.

I lay in bed at night and wonder what it is that you do there. I wonder if you're there thinking of me. Do you wonder about me? Do you worry? I told you not to worry, that I would be okay. Beej, I think I lied. I worry about you. I haven't heard from you. I call your voicemail when I'm down, just to hear the sound of your voice. My eyes just happen to get wet when I see your picture.

You don't know how badly I need you here. Evev if you're not here, I need to hear you. And not just your voicemail. I know it by heart. Each breath in, each laugh, everytime you smiled while recording it. I can hear it all. I need you to tell me to breathe, ask me to stop crying, tell me that I'm going to make myself hyperventilate, and sigh when I tell you the story. You wouldn't snap, wouldn't jump. Just listen.

Listen and tell me that it is all alright. Remember when I told you it was alright? I called you, sobbingmy eyes out. Layed on your bed, crying my eyes out. Hugged your mom and started hiccuping. Sat on your bed, your hands in your lap telling you that you could if you wanted to. Those tears were just enough to wet your cheeks.

kaitlin wrote about home...

Thu, 18 May 2006 02:24:35 GMT

Home is where your heart wanders
when your mind feels like it can't go on.

My mind feels like its going to fail.
And my heart wanders towards summer;
and all of it's promises.

Tue, 16 May 2006 02:25:45 GMT

I really do hate Tom Green.
Home boy is just so annoying.

I'm so stressing about finals.
I want to be back home.
I miss my friends.

I think I should just live in their houses
for the majority of summer.
Job and friends.
Thats what summer should be.

I miss your arms.

Tue, 09 May 2006 01:53:19 GMT

my quote for the day comes from the family guy episode last night:

"this sucks more than i heart huckabees"

it's only too true!! lmao

and so it is

Thu, 04 May 2006 22:44:11 GMT

Just like you said it would be.

It's weird when the person who gets you is suddenly about 1500 miles away. It's unreal in a sense. That sounding board isn't there. You try and make your other friends understand, but in the end they just dont get it. Not the way that he would. He would get it without asking questions. So now you're sitting here, feeling all alone in the world. Yeah, You're being emo... but leave it alone. You're still trying to pick up the pieces of your broken heart.

It still really hurts. And you put on a face for them. A face so they won't see it. You joke about being the lady with all the cats... but it really is your fear. What if you live your life and never feel anything greater than what you felt with him. You wish like hell she would shut up. Please just turn off the music. You want to cry. You want to scream. You want to be held by him. You want him to tell you its all okay, and it's all going to be okay. You guys will work it out someway. And the thing that stabs at you the most is you know he wont. You're not sure that it will ever be okay. And it scares the hell out of you.

And just like they said you would, you close your eyes and wish you were home.

You know exactly where you would be right now. And you know exactly the road you would take to get there. Fullerton to Pathfinder. Parked in the middle row. Walking once around the path. You'd sit on top of that table and look at it all. By yourself, you were always on top of it. On top of the madness that took place down there. Sometimes you'd sit there are write, but other times you'd just sit and think. Thats where you went after Brian broke up with you. You walked that time. Now you drive. It's easy to walk from where you once were. It's harder from where you are now. You'd walk it if you could. But no one would let you. They never let you. There's no way for you to just sit and gather your thoughts. Unless they know exactly where you are. You would tell them about visiting a friend at work. Going to lunch with the girls. Needing to get gas. But you'd go there instead. You'd go there and sit. Sit and think. Think and breathe. Breathing comes so much harder to you now. And you're not too sure why. There are reasons of course. None that you would like to share though.

You're crying out, and no one can hear you. A little longer. A little longer and they'll see. They'll see what it's done to you. How you're this shadow now. You're the shadow of the person you used to be. There's no helping it now. He saw it once. Sitting in his room. Laughing at his brother in the other room. He smiled and said there it was. In that smile and twinkle in the corner of you eye. There was the girl he used to know. She's gone to everyone else though. And no he's gone to you. Chicago. Chicago is so two years ago. There's a light on in Chicago, and I know I should be home. Forget me. There is no more cheese. No more Katie Jay... I'm not even sure where they went. This year was my destruction, my collapse. And it's almost over.

2 weeks. It's all I've got. And you're not sure if you're going to make it.

love it

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 20:37:46 GMT

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous. -Carrie Bradshaw, "Sex and the City"